The Talk
If only it was this easy…
What birds? What bees?
Every parent knows exactly what the words “the talk” mean. I am able to offer several tips about the talk but my first piece of advice is…
DON’T HAVE THE TALK!
Think back: have you ever been in a relationship and heard the words of doom- “We have to talk”. This situation is not that different. Allow me to illustrate.
Parent: We need to talk about something.
Child:
By attaching so much importance to this one conversation, you will be signifying a level of importance and seriousness that will result in anxiety for you and for your child.
Rather than pick one moment for an all encompassing discussion of all things puberty, be on the lookout for what educators call the “teachable moment”.
It looks like Mary might be wearing a bra. Maybe we need to talk about one for you.
Or
One of these days you are going to be shaving. That’s because your body is changing.
Or
Perhaps you are going to take your child to receive the Gardasil vaccine.
Let me explain why people need this vaccine.
I also suggest keeping these “mini talks” private. This is not the best time for younger (or older) siblings to be listening.
I have also had parents ask me if I recommend mother speaking with daughter and father speaking with son. Perhaps in a perfect world with perfect family structures and perfect family relationships this would work. However, you know your child and you know to which parent he or she relates. One parent household- no problem! As I point out, I am a woman and I teach all of the boys in my class. It works!
WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND?
What you should be asking yourself is what’s on your child’s mind. Based on my years of teaching, I am able to identify several of the topics that the students have on their young minds.
Acne (Zits to your children)
This topic is huge with the children. I have seen the very real beginnings of acne in fifth grade students, occasionally in fourth.
Acne Truths
It happens to almost everyone
There are very effective treatments for acne.
Your skin will be as beautiful as ever when the acne clears up
Acne Myths
The sun can clear up acne
Greasy foods cause acne
You should scrub your face several times a day. Note: Your face is not a sink. Gentle washing twice per day is best. (Scrubbing can actually make it much worse).
Muscles
All of the boys envision themselves with muscles. It fell to me to explain to the boys that real muscle development would not begin until puberty. I explained the relationship between the natural production of testosterone and muscles.
I also tied this topic into the subject of steroid abuse, and as always, I had some fun with it.
“Are you familiar with the term shrinkage?”
All shake their heads.
“Let me put it this way. If you take steroids, you might be more impressive in the locker room. In the shower….. not so much.”
It took a long minute or so but gradually my meaning dawned. The expression on the faces of my elementary and middle school boys was priceless.
Bras
Breast growth is a cause of giggling and anxiety for young girls. As with all things, you will want to emphasize the idea that all girls grow at different rates. Also, in our culture, young girls are exposed to many images promoting large breasts as the feminine ideal. This can be discouraging to the girls who are naturally small. On the other hand, being the first girl in the grade to develop and require a bra can be upsetting as well.
“34”
As we all know, young children (and teenagers) can be insensitive. One year we had a situation in the fifth grade that required intervention. A little girl came to me in tears. It seems she had confided the news of her first bra to a few girlfriends. As is often the case, one girl could not resist telling one boy and suddenly this girl had acquired the nickname “34”. It seems that a number of the boys in the class were enjoying teasing her. I might add that some of them had no idea what “34” even meant.
Intervention!!
All of the children knew that I was rarely angry, never scolded. So when I went to the class for a special meeting, they knew that I meant business.
“It has come to my attention that some of you boys have given the nickname “34” to one of the girls.”
At this point all of the boys took to looking around the classroom- similar to the scene in A Christmas Story when the teacher demands to know who had challenged Flick to stick his tongue to the frozen pole.
Who, me??
“If I hear anymore about this, the boys who are responsible are going to have to visit Dr. Sem (male principal) to discuss bra sizes!!”
Honestly, I think I had the best, most fun job in the world! My final fun moment in discussing bra sizes:
“Now we all know that the biological purpose of breasts is to nurse a new baby. I have a picture of a mother nursing; actually this was a multiple birth so this picture is really something. I want everyone to stay under control when I show this picture.”
By now the children are practically falling out of their chairs in anticipation (and dread).
“And here it is!!”
Stormy with her puppies.
As I said, best job ever!!
Height
Height can be of great concern to the children as there is such a disparity, especially when they are young. This can be difficult right up through middle and even high school. I know with my 7th and 8th graders, some of the boys looked like they were ready to go to college while others could still have been mistaken for elementary students.
This issue can be upsetting for girls as well. Depending upon when she enters puberty a girl may “shoot up” at a young age, leading to possible feelings of awkwardness. Although you can explain that everyone will do their growing at different times, these are the times that a parent or guardian can provide an understanding ear. When I weighed and measured my students, I tried to use simple encouraging words for all of the children.
Some examples:
If a girl was very tall: Stand up straight please, so I can see your full beautiful height.
For a boy who might be worried about being smaller than his friends:“Wow, you grew two inches this year!”
Genes
This is also a good time to introduce the topic of genes and how they govern all of the changes that we experience. You can have fun with it and point out that while the genes we inherit from our biological parents might give us a window into our future, there may be surprises in store. I love to tell the children that while my husband, at 5’9”, was the tallest one in his family, my daughter is 5’9” and my son is 6’3”. The beauty of biology- we never know!
One more important point about “the talk”. These moments are, of course, more about your child than about you. You know your child and you will sense when he or she is old enough to understand this information. This is another reason that this should be gradual, not an all encompassing moment. I remember a time when I was visiting a museum in New York City: There was an amazing display on the human body. I was walking behind a parent who was determined that her young son was going to be interested and ask all kinds of questions about the reproductive system. To her obvious frustration, he was clearly more interested in his bag of popcorn. Take your time- don’t force it!
In our next post, we will begin to review specific topics for the boys and the girls. We will have some fun with the story of Alex. I will also show you an exercise that is very revealing: I call it Boys, Girls, Both, Neither.